You all have the unique pleasure of reading my first ever review! Decided to wait for a larger PPV to make my debut, but unfortunately Summerslam did not live up to the hype. At least in my eyes. I know some will disagree, and I invite you to sound off in the comments below!
PRESHOW: SANTINO MARELLA VS ANTONIO CESARO: UNITED STATES TITLE
I start off my first review with an epic fail. I missed the preshow, as I always seem to do, and can’t judge the match on its merits. I can however, judge it on its booking. I’m a lot more forgiving of Santino that others seem to be, I have to admit. I view him as a modern day Dusty Rhodes, in the sense that he’s doing everything he’s got with the gimmick he’s been given. That being said, I also lean towards the camp that doesn’t want to see a comedy gimmicked character holding what should be a belt that signifies a stepping stone towards one of the world titles. I mean, c’mon. Can you see Santino as a World Champ? Not without a drastic repackaging of his character and a long healthy push to cement him as actually being a viable contender. I haven’t seen much of Cesaro, but I like his gimmick and I think it gives him a lot to work with. I’ll definitely be paying more attention, and I think putting the title on him was the right move, even if it was punishment for Santino for being vocally upset about the state of the ‘E backstage.
CHRIS JERICHO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER
One of the only matches I really enjoyed of the entire night. These two never fail to deliver, and putting them in a match together was definitely a “No duh” for the WWE brass. Jericho seems to be on his way out for another extended break last night, which makes the finish all the more confusing. Jericho has been doing the job for guys who don’t need it since he returned at the beginning of this year. So why have a guy you should be building up, who holds an MITB briefcase, do the job ESPECIALLY via submission? If Jericho was sticking around this wouldn’t have been so bad, but it’s likely we won’t be seeing him again for a while, so his win is essentially for naught. Dolph could have used the rub and gone onto another high profile feud, and instead he just lost to the guy who loses to everyone without a chance for redemption. Hopefully Jericho has one more appearance on Raw tonight and this can be remedied.
MATCH RATING: 7 out of 10 Bealer Boners
DANIEL BRYAN VS KANE
I guess this actually makes three matches on the card I enjoyed, not two, but I still have mixed feelings on this one. D Bry has been ON FIRE lately, regardless of his irrelevant win/loss record as of late. No one has manipulated the crowd quite like Bryan has recently, with the exception of Jericho when he first returned and trolled the hell out of everyone. Whether it’s YES YES YES or NO NO NO, EVERYONE in the arena is on their feet and yelling. When his music hits, on his way to the ring, while he’s caving in someone’s chest with those brutal kicks, to the end of the match, win, lose, or draw, the crowd is captivated the entire time. I’m just waiting for him to turn the “NO”s into “MAYBE”s. Hey, a girl can dream. And while I wouldn’t classify Kane anywhere near the top of my favorites list, I gotta give the guy his due. He gets crapped on as “Just another big guy”, but I feel that he doesn’t get nearly enough credit. He’s always been above average in the ring, especially considering his size. I think he’s a great fit for Bryan, and I’d like to see them take it further. Their match was nothing special, but it was solid. Minus the finish. It would have made more sense for Bryan to lose the match and subsequently his shit, keeping in theme with his “anger management” issues and the whole “NO!” thing, but that’s not what even bothers me. After what seemed like the beginning of a great ending sequence, each guy countering the other, us fans just SALIVATING seeing who it would be to finally nail a clean finisher or submission….aaaaaaaaaand we get a roll up. WTF? That’s more akin to a finish for a Raw match, not a PPV people paid to see. I already have enough issues with roll up finishes, but for it to happen on a PPV as a sour ending to a great match is quite disappointing. I guess that leaves the feud open for more, but still. And that was only the beginning of the wacky finishes we’d see for the rest of the night.
MATCH RATING: 6 out of 10 Bealer Boners. Minus one boner for shitty finish.
REY MYSTERIO VS THE MIZ FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP
Not a bad match by any means, but kind of a snoozer. I’m not the biggest Mysterio fan, for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because he’s essentially Latino John Cena. The odds are always stacked against him and his matches generally consist of him getting his ass kicked until the end when he SOMEHOW pulls it off. I like the Miz, but he’s kind of grown stale over the last year and seems to have lost his motivation and just kind of dials it in nowadays. We all saw the winner of this one a mile away. With belt reigns now being a lot longer than they’ve been in recent years, and Rey just coming back from suspension/injury, there was no way Miz was dropping that belt after having just won it.
MATCH RATING: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. PLUS one for Mysterio coming out dressed as Batrat.
Backstage Punk repeats the same complaints he’s been making for weeks, irritating GMAJ (pronounced GEEMAHJ.) into angrily staring into a wall as if she just caught Berg sniffing her panties again. Waste of airtime, and nothing new. Bitches be crazy.
ALBERTO DEL RIO VS SHEAMUS FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
Another uneventful match giving us the same thing we’ve been seeing for months. My opinion of ADR drops by the day, as the guy never does anything memorable. Sheamus is a pretty well rounded Superstar and champion, but really brings nothing special to the table. A solid, if forgettable, match with yet another WTF finish seeing Del Rio get his foot on the ropes but still getting counted down for the three. It doesn’t bother me at all that Sheamus knocked his foot off despite being a babyface, but that we get another finish that makes little sense. This is Summerslam. It’s supposed to be one of the big four PPVs of the year. I understand that you have to keep the audience invested by keeping feuds going, but at one of your marquee events of the year you should at least attempt to provide the fans with some closure in at least a few matches. You can only dangle that carrot in our faces for so long before we don’t care anymore *cough*Cenaheelturnthatwillneverhappen*cough*.
MATCH RATING: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. (To be clear, 5 out of 10 is not a “Failing” grade as it would be in school. By my standard, 5 is the median and thus the average.)
TROUBLE IN LITTLE JIMMY’S PARADISE VS PRIMETIME PLAYERS
Another snoozer that would have been better fit for the curtain jerker on Raw than the lead in for a WWE championship match. Titus O Neill actually kind of impressed me during this match, despite being greener than goose shit. Darren “NegaCena” Young can go back to developmental and wipe down the mats for all I care though. After what seemed like a good build up to get the titles off of two random midcarders thrown together, we watch the rookies do the job. I wonder if their at one time seemingly inevitable tag title reign is in jeopardy over the AW situation. I hope not, as I like to see new guys given a chance to grow. It’s all about opportunity, hopefully these guys didn’t just lose theirs.
MATCH RATING: 4 out of 10 Bealer Boners
JOHN CENA VS BIG SHOW VS CM PUNK FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP
Ah, now here we go! The best match on the card, and the only one that probably kept paying customers from feeling completely shafted. Not only was the one of the only three good matches of the night, it really was the only one that lived up to the standard of what a PPV match should be. AND PUNK DIDN’T EVEN CARRY THE WHOLE MATCH! In fact, in my eyes, the success of this match lies almost completely on the Big Show. Sure, the entire match was booked around him dominating and getting teamed up on (and eventually being to both tap and get pinned) but he NAILED it. This is how Show should be all the time. DOMINANT. It would help if he actually got a win every now and then, but that’s beside the point. We got a great double submission spot with Cena slapping on the STF after Punk had already locked on the MOTHERFUCKING KOJI CLUTCH (I mark for that move every time) for the second time in the match! Two Kojis in one match? TAKE MY MONEY WWE! Show taps, and confusion ensues over who got the win. AJ skips her cute little ass down to the ring and does the right thing by restarting the match, saving us yet another BS finish, or worse. I don’t know about you guys, but after seeing Cena attempt the AA on Show three times over the last few weeks, I saw the finish of him finally nailing it but Punk stealing the win from a mile away. Which is fine. It fits the story that’s been told, and just because it’s predictable doesn’t automatically make it bad. I can predict that I’m going to blow a load into Staples’ mouth, doesn’t make it any less satisfying.
MATCH RATING: 8.5 Bealer Boners
HHH VS BROCK LESNAR
Ugh. I had high hopes for this one, and it really didn’t live up. Like so many of HHH’s matches over the last couple years, this was a slow plodding affair. Hunter seems to be in need of more and more rest time during his matches as he ages, and it’s getting more noticeable. Brock wasn’t nearly as aggressive as he was in his match against Cena during Extreme Rules a few months back, which perhaps lends some credibility to the rumors that Brock and Cena don’t get along backstage. At first I thought we might get a repeat of that match, with Brock dominating almost the entire match only to job out at the end, and instead we got a finish reminiscent of Taker/HHH at WM 27. H nails the Pedigree, only to get pulled into a submission as he goes to pick up the scraps. Ho hum, seen it before. The one highlight of the match was that they played into Brock’s real life intestinal issues with HHH targeting his midsection in the second half of the match. I really enjoyed the “chink in the armor” aspect after Brock was launched into the corner of the announcer’s table. The match was horrible or unwatchable, but it in no way lived up to the months of (poorly executed) hype. Definitely not deserving of the main event slot.
Match Rating: 6 out of 10 Bealer Boners.
Overall, none of the matches themselves were completely horrendous. But looking at the PPV as a whole it was a complete clusterfuck of wonky booking decisions and poorly conceptualized finishes. Here’s to hoping Survivor Series nails the quality level of what we should expect from one of WWE’s big four PPVs. What makes this extra disappointing is that WWE has been on a pretty good roll with their PPVs for the majority of this year. Can you say C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!?
Overall PPV Rating: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. Only rocking the half chub on this one folks.