The Fast Forward Raw Review

By Bret Bealer

Heisenbealer here, taking over for our fearless leader on the Raw Review this week. Why a fast forward review? Because I watch this crap on Youtube and skip the, well, crap! Not to mention three hours (okay fine, two and a quarter hours on Youtube thanks to the removal of brain cell killing TV ads) should probably be enough to kill a normal man. I don’t know how you guys do it.

So we open with a recap of what happened before the show went on the air. Punk and King punking (because I’m the Pun King) on each other in the back, throwing punches and each other back and forth and the refs trying to keep them apart. Punk even had the audacity to throw out the classic insult of “Stupid shirt!”. Truly heelish stuff here folks.

After the recap Shaymoose makes his way out to the ring pretty much just long enough to say “Hi” to the “Shicargo” crowd and mention Alberto Del Rio before Mr. Cookie Monster Punk interrupts the World Heavyweight Champ on the stage. The WWE Champ gets a warm welcome from his hometown. He claims that Lawler attacked him first, and from behind. Which I guess is the whole reason they put it on before the show started, so Punk could make that claim without getting called out on it.

He continues on with the same stuff we’ve already heard and catch ups for anyone who only watches the show once a month. When he gets the part about disrespect, Sheamus jumps in to point out that Punk is disrespecting him as WH Champion. He makes a good point. Unfortunately, instead of WWE taking the opportunity to show both titles are equal, they have Punk bury the WHC, and Smackdown by extension, as second best. Look, we all know it’s true and we’ve known it for years. But Sheamus doesn’t even take a stab at rebutting that statement. No wonder Smackdown is shedding ratings like Staples sheds ass hair. GM Tits McGee comes out to make a Champion Vs Champion match between Punk and Sheamus for later in the night.

FASTFORWARD through the Wicked Witch Of The WWE's yammering her “EXCUSE ME”s to a rematch from Smackdown in Dolph “I think I just heard Staples blow a load” Ziggler and Randy “Berg’s turn” Orton. I don’t watch Smackdown, but this was the best match I’ve seen out of Orton since his 60 day high. Dolph sold throughout the match like a beast, as usual. I was wondering if they were going to have him lose AGAIN after just losing to Orton on Smackdown, but I was pleasantly surprised to see him get the win, even if it was by grabbing the tights.

I’m just starting to wonder when, if ever, Dolph is going to look dominant. I know many guys have made a career out of squeaking out wins, but Ziggler deserves much more than that. At least he’s still pretty young, so he’s got plenty of time to blossom into the pretty pink flower he wants to be.


Miz makes his way down to the ring to work the commentary booth for the rest of the night, and completely drops a notch on my respect totem pole I keep in my closet to rank ever wrestler. His voice didn’t sound the same. He sound like a 12 year old version of himself, both in his choice of words and the actual sound of his voice. He wasn’t bad, but REALLY? REALLY? If Punk wasn’t going to wrestle they could have at least given that position to him. Lazy fuckin’ bum.

Then we get the first of some number more than one of D-Bry and Kane’s anger management program bits. It was good, not as great as the other ones. They drew anger collages. Bryan said “YES” and “NO” a few times, and Kane summoned fire in a trash can to burn his. Which makes me wonder why he doesn’t do that to his opponents. Anyway, typical stuff.


Our next FAST FORWARD was for a tag match seeing Rey and Sin Cara against Tensai and Cody Rhodes. I don’t care for three out of four guys in this match, hence the double speed through this one. I don’t think Cara botched, so there’s something. The best thing about this match was the idea in my head that Cody and Tensai could form a tag team and put on hilarious backstage skits of Rhodes giving Prince Albert dashing fashion advice. It’d be like a modern era Billy and Chuck, but without the homosensuality. And Sakamoto would make a great Rico. Back on topic, Sin Cara pins Rhodes for the win.


Another anger management class with DB and Kane. Doing trust falls this time. Woooo. Look, these are some of the better things on the show, but I feel like they’re milking it too fast. I’d rather people not get tired of Bryan, but hey, that’s just me. Kane and DB bond over not catching Harold during his trust fall. D’awwwww.

Aaaaaand if it wasn’t bad enough that WWE was showcasing Punk’s matches halfway through a two hour show, now they’re putting them a third of the way through a three hour show. Or so they’d have you believe. I knew something was amiss when Cunt Magnet Punk didn’t come down in his gear and instead was still in his jeans from the top of the show. He continues on the respect slant, and says his hometown crowd will respect that he’s not wrestling a match and is taking Labor Day off for himself.

GENIUS! I love the idea of Punk ACTUALLY not wrestling a match IN HIS HOMETOWN. They’re really stepping on the gas in the CM Punk Heelmobile. He gets a little more heelish each week, and the hometown hero snubbing the crowd is a great tactic. I’m sure Chicagoans disagree with me, but as far as story goes it’s great. I just hope they can continue to increase the heel incline next, and each week after.

Backstage AJ tries unsuccessfully tries to stop Punk from leaving, and gets in a burn on Striker by not knowing who he is. Gotta love Vince sticking it to his employees through other employees on national TV. AJ apparently makes the sage-like decision to send Job Swagger out to face Mayo Thunder. And my FAST FORWARD button is getting a lot of work tonight. After what I’m sure was a Match Of The Year shoe in, Sheamus slaps on the submission and Miz gets his best line of the night with “TEXAS CLOVERLEAF, SON!”. ADR rushes that guy from Metallica’s younger brother from another Irish mother and eats some White Noise for his trouble, setting up for the Brogue Kick which Ricardo straight Supermans himself in front of for his boss. Ricardo is definitely the best thing about Del Rio.


Divas match next, which is the one true FAST FORWARD of the night. Don’t even ask me who was in the match. I already sold my fucks for some blue meth so I have none left to give. Afterwards Swagger is seen leaving backstage, and when AJ tries to convince him to stay he tells her he’s taking some extended time off. Whoops, looks like I had one fuck left to give. Spend it well Mr. Swagger. AJ starts cracking under the pressure of everyone leaving, and it’s making me think she isn’t going to be GM for much longer. We’ll see.

Anger Management Part The Third. Bryan and Kane make nice temporarily, until Kane claims he could eviscerate Bryan, which offers Bryan a golden line on a silver plate of “It’s hard to EVISCERATE when you’re TAPPING OUT.” They blah blah blah some more and the anger management doctor gets angry. Seriously genius stuff here folks. Like, Kafkaesque. Bitch. Out at the booth Cole tells us we can go on Twatter to Queet for all our Swallowers to see what we want to see from Bryan and Kane. #WWEmatch for them to face each other, #WWEtag for them to team up, or the obvious choice #WWEhug that you know every MARK will pick. What, all out of #WWEAJblowme’s?


Next FAST FORWARD is reserved for Jinder Derp Dinder and Ryback, who I’m still not even close to being sold on. I like that he’s energetic, but he comes off so goofy. His little evolved Heil Hitler arm motions, the bouncing and bobbing (so much bobbing), and every crowd that isn’t full of inbred Siamese brother-sister-cousins chanting “GOLDBERG” just make it so I can’t take him seriously. He’s just like every other big guy on a debut streak, but he got lucky with a good catchphrase that the crowd is into. It’s really his only saving grace. I’m still waiting for RVD to show up and take his ring gear back.


The official theme song for Night Of Champions is a song from that fat fuck from Summerslam, Fred Durst, Lil Wang, and another black guy.  I think my dick just retreated so far into my body that it came out my ass. I literally fucked myself inside out. #WWEshootme

But Cole thinks it’s awesome and has been listening to it all day. I’m sold. Just put a sticker of Cole on that album with that ringing endorsement and I’ll buy twenty. Yeah, twenty. That should be enough to kill myself choking on.

We see Bryan and Kane for the fourth time tonight (told you, milking) and everyone knows they’re going to have to hug. First they refuse, then the chest bump which the ref in all his unquestionable power (seriously, what’s he going to do?) says isn’t good enough, then again, then Bryan hugs Kane. BUT KANE DOES NOT RECIPROCATE SAID HUG. He truly is a monster. Ref still says it ain’t good enough. So Kane hugs Bryan, BUT NOW BRYAN RETURNS THE FAVOR BY NOT RETURNING THE HUG. Years of stalling later, they finally both hug and shake hands. Oscar worthy stuff here folks.

Look, this was funny and all, but go back and watch it and realize how much time this ate up. This is what we get with three hours of Raw. Good stuff gets drawn out until it’s bad, bad stuff until it’s pureed shit, and the pureed shit LITERALLY (I’m using literally literally, and not sarcastically /sarcasm) causes tens of thousands of people to go all Chris Benoit on their selves and their loved ones. This all of course breaks down into a brawl and the feud continues.


Another FAST FORWARD moment, as Berg’s future husband and dominatrix Santino makes his way to the ring. Just by zipping through I can already tell I’m going to really like Cesaro once he faces someone other than the Italian Doink The Clown. Santino has more Cobra malfunctions and Cesaro picks up the 1 2 3.


Oh for Jesus Titty Fucking Christ’s sake, another FAST FORWARD match. I don’t give a flying pig’s shit for either Slater or Ryder. Sorry if that hit you right in the feels, bro, but I feel about the same for Ryder as I do for Ryback. A guy that got lucky with a few good catchphrases and was willing to take the Matt Hardy route and pander to fans online. Yawn. Someone wins, yippee! Did you really care?

At this point, I’m catching up from Monday night, because I passed right the fuck out sometime around the end of the Kane/D Bry brawl. Thickie Vickie comes out and I almost smash the FAST FORWARD button into tiny blue crystals. At some point in my skipping I see Vickie arguing with a chair. LOVE IT. Clint Eastwood, henceforth known as Cleastwood, should get a guest spot and ramble on incoherently with Vickie. Someone backstage much have translated the sound of mating barn owls that is Vickie’s voice into some form of coherent English, or at least enough for GMAJ to know she needs to skip dat ass down to the ring.


Apparently AJ was naughty and needs a spanking. What? No? Fucking PG. Instead, she has to APOLOGIZE to Vickie for slapping her last week and not hit anyone anymore. So of course Vickie slaps her. Twice. Yeah, I’m putting my money on GMAJ not being GM for much longer. GMAJ crams four days of menstruation into 30 seconds and beats on the ring with the chair Vickie was arguing with. Poor chair.

For the main event we get Cena Nuff against Alberto in a Falls Count Anywhere match. I have a soft spot in my hardened heart for FCA matches. If done right, they’re awesome. This one was….okay. Don’t really care for ADR and Cena is, well, Cena. This match played out like your typical Cena match, with his getting his ass kicked (See: carried) almost the entire time. They eventually work their way backstage where Punk, who left early so by WWE law had to come back later to screw over his PPV opponent, ambushed Cena to give ADR the win.

Afterwords, Punk nails Cena with a GTS on a car instead of his knee. Punk then heads into the car to drive off, with none other than PAUL FUCKING HEYMAN! Have I said “YES YES YES” yet this review? No? Well. *Ahem* YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! Punk’s storyline is really what’s kept me interested in WWE this last year or so, and I’ve always loved Heyman, so this is like a wet dream come true for me. Bald men do that to me. So where does this lead? A Punk/Brock alliance? Not? Come on over the Corner on Facebook, or sound off in the comments and let us know.

P.S. I wrote this on my bedroom floor next to an open tampon and just noticed. EW EW EW! NO NO NO!
P.P.S. It’s over when I say it’s over.
P.P.P.S. It’s over

Bealer’s Blatherings – The Summerslam Review

You all have the unique pleasure of reading my first ever review! Decided to wait for a larger PPV to make my debut, but unfortunately Summerslam did not live up to the hype. At least in my eyes. I know some will disagree, and I invite you to sound off in the comments below!

PRESHOW: SANTINO MARELLA VS ANTONIO CESARO: UNITED STATES TITLE

I start off my first review with an epic fail. I missed the preshow, as I always seem to do, and can’t judge the match on its merits. I can however, judge it on its booking. I’m a lot more forgiving of Santino that others seem to be, I have to admit. I view him as a modern day Dusty Rhodes, in the sense that he’s doing everything he’s got with the gimmick he’s been given. That being said, I also lean towards the camp that doesn’t want to see a comedy gimmicked character holding what should be a belt that signifies a stepping stone towards one of the world titles. I mean, c’mon. Can you see Santino as a World Champ? Not without a drastic repackaging of his character and a long healthy push to cement him as actually being a viable contender. I haven’t seen much of Cesaro, but I like his gimmick and I think it gives him a lot to work with. I’ll definitely be paying more attention, and I think putting the title on him was the right move, even if it was punishment for Santino for being vocally upset about the state of the ‘E backstage.

CHRIS JERICHO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER

One of the only matches I really enjoyed of the entire night. These two never fail to deliver, and putting them in a match together was definitely a “No duh” for the WWE brass. Jericho seems to be on his way out for another extended break last night, which makes the finish all the more confusing. Jericho has been doing the job for guys who don’t need it since he returned at the beginning of this year. So why have a guy you should be building up, who holds an MITB briefcase, do the job ESPECIALLY via submission? If Jericho was sticking around this wouldn’t have been so bad, but it’s likely we won’t be seeing him again for a while, so his win is essentially for naught. Dolph could have used the rub and gone onto another high profile feud, and instead he just lost to the guy who loses to everyone without a chance for redemption. Hopefully Jericho has one more appearance on Raw tonight and this can be remedied.

MATCH RATING: 7 out of 10 Bealer Boners

DANIEL BRYAN VS KANE

I guess this actually makes three matches on the card I enjoyed, not two, but I still have mixed feelings on this one. D Bry has been ON FIRE lately, regardless of his irrelevant win/loss record as of late. No one has manipulated the crowd quite like Bryan has recently, with the exception of Jericho when he first returned and trolled the hell out of everyone. Whether it’s YES YES YES or NO NO NO, EVERYONE in the arena is on their feet and yelling. When his music hits, on his way to the ring, while he’s caving in someone’s chest with those brutal kicks, to the end of the match, win, lose, or draw, the crowd is captivated the entire time. I’m just waiting for him to turn the “NO”s into “MAYBE”s. Hey, a girl can dream. And while I wouldn’t classify Kane anywhere near the top of my favorites list, I gotta give the guy his due. He gets crapped on as “Just another big guy”, but I feel that he doesn’t get nearly enough credit. He’s always been above average in the ring, especially considering his size. I think he’s a great fit for Bryan, and I’d like to see them take it further. Their match was nothing special, but it was solid. Minus the finish. It would have made more sense for Bryan to lose the match and subsequently his shit, keeping in theme with his “anger management” issues and the whole “NO!” thing, but that’s not what even bothers me. After what seemed like the beginning of a great ending sequence, each guy countering the other, us fans just SALIVATING seeing who it would be to finally nail a clean finisher or submission….aaaaaaaaaand we get a roll up. WTF? That’s more akin to a finish for a Raw match, not a PPV people paid to see. I already have enough issues with roll up finishes, but for it to happen on a PPV as a sour ending to a great match is quite disappointing. I guess that leaves the feud open for more, but still. And that was only the beginning of the wacky finishes we’d see for the rest of the night.

MATCH RATING: 6 out of 10 Bealer Boners. Minus one boner for shitty finish.

REY MYSTERIO VS THE MIZ FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Not a bad match by any means, but kind of a snoozer. I’m not the biggest Mysterio fan, for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because he’s essentially Latino John Cena. The odds are always stacked against him and his matches generally consist of him getting his ass kicked until the end when he SOMEHOW pulls it off. I like the Miz, but he’s kind of grown stale over the last year and seems to have lost his motivation and just kind of dials it in nowadays. We all saw the winner of this one a mile away. With belt reigns now being a lot longer than they’ve been in recent years, and Rey just coming back from suspension/injury, there was no way Miz was dropping that belt after having just won it.

MATCH RATING: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. PLUS one for Mysterio coming out dressed as Batrat.

Backstage Punk repeats the same complaints he’s been making for weeks, irritating GMAJ (pronounced GEEMAHJ.) into angrily staring into a wall as if she just caught Berg sniffing her panties again. Waste of airtime, and nothing new. Bitches be crazy.

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS SHEAMUS FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

Another uneventful match giving us the same thing we’ve been seeing for months. My opinion of ADR drops by the day, as the guy never does anything memorable. Sheamus is a pretty well rounded Superstar and champion, but really brings nothing special to the table. A solid, if forgettable, match with yet another WTF finish seeing Del Rio get his foot on the ropes but still getting counted down for the three. It doesn’t bother me at all that Sheamus knocked his foot off despite being a babyface, but that we get another finish that makes little sense. This is Summerslam. It’s supposed to be one of the big four PPVs of the year. I understand that you have to keep the audience invested by keeping feuds going, but at one of your marquee events of the year you should at least attempt to provide the fans with some closure in at least a few matches. You can only dangle that carrot in our faces for so long before we don’t care anymore *cough*Cenaheelturnthatwillneverhappen*cough*.

MATCH RATING:  5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. (To be clear, 5 out of 10 is not a “Failing” grade as it would be in school. By my standard, 5 is the median and thus the average.)

TROUBLE IN LITTLE JIMMY’S PARADISE VS PRIMETIME PLAYERS

Another snoozer that would have been better fit for the curtain jerker on Raw than the lead in for a WWE championship match. Titus O Neill actually kind of impressed me during this match, despite being greener than goose shit. Darren “NegaCena” Young can go back to developmental and wipe down the mats for all I care though. After what seemed like a good build up to get the titles off of two random midcarders thrown together, we watch the rookies do the job. I wonder if their at one time seemingly inevitable tag title reign is in jeopardy over the AW situation. I hope not, as I like to see new guys given a chance to grow. It’s all about opportunity, hopefully these guys didn’t just lose theirs.

MATCH RATING: 4 out of 10 Bealer Boners

JOHN CENA VS BIG SHOW VS CM PUNK FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

Ah, now here we go! The best match on the card, and the only one that probably kept paying customers from feeling completely shafted. Not only was the one of the only three good matches of the night, it really was the only one that lived up to the standard of what a PPV match should be. AND PUNK DIDN’T EVEN CARRY THE WHOLE MATCH! In fact, in my eyes, the success of this match lies almost completely on the Big Show. Sure, the entire match was booked around him dominating and getting teamed up on (and eventually being to both tap and get pinned) but he NAILED it. This is how Show should be all the time. DOMINANT. It would help if he actually got a win every now and then, but that’s beside the point. We got a great double submission spot with Cena slapping on the STF after Punk had already locked on the MOTHERFUCKING KOJI CLUTCH (I mark for that move every time) for the second time in the match! Two Kojis in one match? TAKE MY MONEY WWE! Show taps, and confusion ensues over who got the win. AJ skips her cute little ass down to the ring and does the right thing by restarting the match, saving us yet another BS finish, or worse. I don’t know about you guys, but after seeing Cena attempt the AA on Show three times over the last few weeks, I saw the finish of him finally nailing it but Punk stealing the win from a mile away. Which is fine. It fits the story that’s been told, and just because it’s predictable doesn’t automatically make it bad. I can predict that I’m going to blow a load into Staples’ mouth, doesn’t make it any less satisfying.

MATCH RATING: 8.5 Bealer Boners

HHH VS BROCK LESNAR

Ugh. I had high hopes for this one, and it really didn’t live up. Like so many of HHH’s matches over the last couple years, this was a slow plodding affair. Hunter seems to be in need of more and more rest time during his matches as he ages, and it’s getting more noticeable. Brock wasn’t nearly as aggressive as he was in his match against Cena during Extreme Rules a few months back, which perhaps lends some credibility to the rumors that Brock and Cena don’t get along backstage. At first I thought we might get a repeat of that match, with Brock dominating almost the entire match only to job out at the end, and instead we got a finish reminiscent of Taker/HHH at WM 27. H nails the Pedigree, only to get pulled into a submission as he goes to pick up the scraps. Ho hum, seen it before. The one highlight of the match was that they played into Brock’s real life intestinal issues with HHH targeting his midsection in the second half of the match. I really enjoyed the “chink in the armor” aspect after Brock was launched into the corner of the announcer’s table. The match was horrible or unwatchable, but it in no way lived up to the months of (poorly executed) hype. Definitely not deserving of the main event slot.

Match Rating: 6 out of 10 Bealer Boners.

Overall, none of the matches themselves were completely horrendous. But looking at the PPV as a whole it was a complete clusterfuck of wonky booking decisions and poorly conceptualized finishes. Here’s to hoping Survivor Series nails the quality level of what we should expect from one of WWE’s big four PPVs. What makes this extra disappointing is that WWE has been on a pretty good roll with their PPVs for the majority of this year. Can you say C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!?

Overall PPV Rating: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. Only rocking the half chub on this one folks.