Kayfabe Q&A: Jimmy Noonan

You started out as an actor. How did you transfer from that into a job working for wwe?

When you were an actor in New York City, and you're not a working actor, you have to pay the rent somehow. For a lot of years while I was acting, I had a personal training business which I was very successful at, but I got a little bored with that, and I started to get a lot of work acting. But when you're not acting you have to do something else, I mean I have kids. So I started doing security work. I got very lucky early on. I started working for Charlton Heston in the late 80’s, then I started working for some minor celebrities, and then some big celebrities, and then I went to work in New York City one week for WWF New York. It was the new theme restaurant in Time Square. I worked with the talent and the supervisors well, people from Stamford constantly came down, and next thing you know, it was about a year and a half later that I was on the road with WWF. So it came through the restaurant, but make no mistake, me and Jimmy Tillis, or anyone else, wouldn't have been on the road if we weren’t top security guys.

Jimmy as Frank Galikanokus in Super Troopers

What were your day to day responsibilities while working there?

Everything. Soup to nuts. Absolutely everything. Me and Jimmy Tillis took care of the talents, we called the venues and reminded them that we were coming in a couple weeks, talked to them about their concerns before we got there, or extra needs in terms of security, in terms of the parking lot, before hand whether it was a house show or a big TV show like Raw or Smackdown. Then we'd be at the airport with the talent. I usually hung out with the top guys. If Brock Lesnar was the World Champion, I usually hung out with Brock. If Taker was the World Champion, then I stayed there with Taker. If it was Triple H, Batista, Cena, I usually tried to stay closest to those guys when we were on the road. I’d find out where they were staying, and be as close to them as possible.

We also handled had all of the executives. We handled Vince, we handled Stephanie, we handled the production trucks, made sure we had security in place, and then we did the events. The funny thing about the events was that a lot of times, the top people in the buildings that we had rented for the day to run Smackdown, they couldn't find the producer, or someone they needed. But they could always find Security. They knew security was always in the venue. They knew Security would always be in the stadium or the arena, and they knew where to find us. So they'd ask us all the questions about security protocol, the timing, or show questions. So we handled so much. I don't think there’s anyone at WWE to this day that knows exactly what we did, or how many hats we wore, and the magnitude of what we did for them. You know, when you're doing security for them, you don't get to go to WWE Security School, you make this stuff up on your own. You just do the most practical thing. The next, right thing. A lot of this stuff you just make up, and it’s just trial and error. When you’re a good security guy, your instincts are good. Our instincts were terrific.

What was it like working for Vince McMahon?

You know, Vince is a really likeable guy. He’s such a character. He’s kinda like Donald Trump. I did security for Season 2 of Celebrity Apprentice, so I got to spend some time with Donald Trump. And over the years in New York City, I have been in many, many red carpet events where I've done security and Donald Trump was there. He’s a really interesting man. He’s got this magnetic personality, you know? It’s almost as if he’s the male version of a supermodel. You can't take your eyes off him. And the same with Vince. Vince is such an interesting character. He was always good to me, he was very respectful to me. For years, people have been saying to me "well tell me about Vince.", almost expecting me to crap on Vince McMahon. Well here’s my stock answer: I saw the world on Vince McMahon’s dime. I went to South Africa, every inch of Europe, I went to New Zealand, I went to Australia, I went to Tokyo, I went to Sri Lanka, I went everywhere on Vince McMahon’s dime. And I went first class. How could I have a problem with this guy?

Vince McMahon was always respectful, Shane was always respectful, Stephanie was always good to me. And if anyone had a problem with me, Stephanie would usually be the one to say "Would you come to my office", or "Would you come see me? We need to talk about something." She'd talk to me very respectfully and very nicely, and we'd work out the problem. I would say that the short version would be that the McMahons were very respectful, and were very good to Jimmy Noonan.

Noonan in WWE Magazine

I'm sure you had many memorable moments while working security for WWE, can you tell us about some of your crazier experiences while working there?

WWE magazine in ’05 or ’06, they kinda broke kayfabe. They started doing stories on the doctors and trainers, agents, and they started doing stuff they never did before. Lo and behold, they approached security, and said "Would you mind doing an interview?" and I was like "Vince is gonna let this happen?" and sure enough they went to Vince and he said "Sure let’s go for it." They interviewed me and Jimmy Tillis, and because I’m the more loquacious one who's a storyteller, all the stories were about me, but there was a magazine where Edge and DX were on the cover, and the name of the article was 'WWE Security’s Greatest Hits'. So a lot of the stories are in there, and somebody could find them pretty readily.

There’s the stories about Jimmy Tillis getting off the bus with the talent in Birmingham and in the hotel there was a bunch of MMA fighters, and one of them said they wanted Triple H’s autograph. Tillis said no because everyone was so exhausted, you know they had been on the road for two weeks. So the guy got into some words with Tillis, and then all these MMA fighters came out, and Big Vis, Jericho, Tillis, and the rest just knocked the crap out of all these MMA guys. That’s always the one we hear about. There are so many stories about the boys and travelling, and the pranks they pulled on each other.

I remember one time I think it was in Lewiston, Maine. This kid was dressed as the Undertaker, he had the hat and the long leather coat, and was holding an urn. A tall skinny kid. I turned my back, and this kid climbed in the ring, and I collared this kid big time, man. I mean I took him down off the top rope, actually. And it turns out, and it’s not that funny, but this kid was learning disabled and apparently played the Undertaker in his local community play. So, stupid stuff like that.

There were some that were pretty bad, and some that were okay. I don't know if you remember, but Triple H was traded to Smackdown for one night. I think Eddie Guerrero was the WWE Champion, and it was Triple H vs. Eddie in the main event. It was in Detroit. We were on a commercial break, but the match was going on. Some idiot literally jumped over security and went into the ring. Of course Triple H and Eddie turned to him, and of course he jumped out into my arms, and he got collared pretty heavily, but it turns out we weren't on TV for that moment, but he thought he got his moment in the sun, his 15 seconds of fame. He didn't even do it on TV, but on a commercial break. There was never anything really that dangerous or riveting, just everyday stuff. I wasn't there that night in Edmonton, when the guy jumped in the ring and pushed down the ladder that Eddie was on, and then Eddie clocked him before security got him. Jimmy Tillis seemed to get more jumpers than I did. That’s what we called people who hit the ring, we called ‘em jumpers. He had maybe more of a problem. I think I grounded people more at ringside, and I think that they were a little more intimidated by me for some reason. I had a lot less jumpers than he did.

Last week CM Punk got into an altercation with a fan in the audience, and he struck the guy on live television. What did you think when you saw that, and was there anything that could have been done to avoid it?

I watched the video after seeing the news. It was on Facebook, it was all over the place that CM Punk had hit a fan. I am always interested in that, because that's where my job came in WWE. Protecting the talent, protecting the fans, protecting everybody. It was about security and safety at all costs. I was extremely disappointed to not see WWE security right next to Punk. It is about the fan's safety number one, It's about the talents safety number two, and security in general around the event.

You have to be near the talent, but be off camera at the same time. It is sometimes difficult but that's what you do when you are WWE security. And you have to constantly reassure the talent that you are there. You are either whispering to them or patting them on the ass, or shoulder if it's the female talent like Stacy Keibler, or Nidia, or Gail Kim. You put your hand on them and say "I'm right here, I'm right here" and they know your voice. And then you can speak calmly to them, you can do that kind of kayfabe talk that wrestlers and people in WWE use. But it was very disappointing to me. Wrestlers get hit all the time, and wrestlers hit people all of the time weather on purpose or not. It's a part of the experience, and it's part of WWE and the wrestler going into the stands. But he should have been more protected by WWE security, and I'm calling them out and saying that they need to do a better job.

Kurt Angle and Jimmy Noonan

How did your departure from WWE come about, and was there any hard feelings that came out of it?

I think there’s always hard feelings in those situations, because people tell stories that aren't true sometimes. In WWE, you don't have a lot to do on the road. You have the workout, tanning, eating, but you haven't been home in a couple weeks and you’re bored. Some guys spend some time with local women, but then there’s guys that gossip. That’s what we do on the road, we gossip about each other. I think some of the gossip about me leaving was just some stupid stuff. What happened, was I was miserable. I hadn't had a day off in a long time. Everybody in the company knew it.  I reported to John Laurinaitis on the road, and me and Johnny and me had a terrific thing. He liked me a lot, he respected me, and he took care of me. But there was this one guy in the office that had a beef with me. He had a beef with me because a lot of times I would call him and just say, you know, "I need time off.", and I would have an attitude sometimes, and I haven't been home in a long time, and I’m travelling all the world.

There was this one month – ONE MONTH where I travelled over the international date line three times. I never even got a thank you. I was the only guy in the company who did it, and I never got a thank you from anybody. And I would go to this guy and I'd say "I need some time off." And he wouldn't give it to me. What the WWE does is throw money at you. We're all independent contractors, so it’s easier for them to throw money at you. They give you money, and expect everybody to be happy. I just wasn't happy. I let my feelings be known, and I had some heat because I was tough on a lot of people in some buildings.

I remember I had some heat at The Allstate Arena in Chicago and a couple other places where we'd do smaller shows, because I wasn't shy about telling people exactly the way it was gonna be that day. WWE rented the facility for a lot of money that day, and that made me, security wise, the top dog in the building, and I wanna work with you too, but you gotta do the right thing. You gotta obey the security rider that I sent you 3 or 4 months ago, and there’s a lot of things that I need. We're a multi-billion dollar corporation that has a lot of needs. You need to do what we told you to do. What we're paying you to do. It’s easy to become very unpopular in a lot of these buildings when you’re telling people what the hell to do. So I think the long and the short of it is that I had some heat and I was miserable, so we decided together that I was gonna leave WWE. I got a letter one day in Campus City that my services were no longer going to be needed in 90 days. So in other words, if I got fired, it was the slowest firing in history. I say that we just couldn’t agree to terms, or I left, or we just basically decided that it was best for everybody that I leave. Whatever you wanna call it. Like I said, I think there’s always a little ill feelings. I don't feel welcome in WWE, I would never go back, and I would never go to an event ever again.

With his good friend Dave Batista

You made friends with several of the stars while you were there, do you still keep in contact with anyone?

Dave Batista was kinda my best friend in WWE. I travelled with Eddie Guerrero, we drove together. I drove with Eddie and Benoit every once in a while, Kurt Angle every now and then. Because I travelled with Batista, i’d spend some time with Randy Orton, Ric Flair and Triple H. Triple H was always a gentleman to me. He always talked to me like a brother and contemporary, and never treated me like I was just the security guy. He always treated me like one of the boys even though I was decidedly NOT one of the boys. Batista was kinda like the guy I was always closest to. I was very happy to see him win his first MMA fight the other night. I know how important this was to him, and I was so happy for him.

People asked me before the fight "How do you think he will he do?" and I said "Well, he’s gonna be in shape. Even though he’s 43 years old he’s gonna be in incredible shape. He’s doing triathlons right now, so he’s got that. I've seen him do bench press and he’s stronger than hell. He’s an incredible athlete and he’s worked very hard." He’s been working his way up the Gracie Jiu-Jitsu belt list. I don't know exactly where he is, but he’s very high up. He’s not a black belt yet, but in a couple more years he'll probably be a black belt. I thought he'd be fine, I thought he'd win. I was very happy for him. We haven't talked - I've taken a low profile these days in terms of my WWE acquaintances. It’s just a lot of work. I'll always love Dave, but I think I'll choose to have a relationship from afar unless he ever needs me, but I don't think I'm gonna pursue it anymore, just because he has a very busy life and I have a very busy life. But he’s a wonderful human being. You know, some guys are really good guys, and some guys are assholes.

Who is the biggest asshole you knew while working for WWE?

That’s tough, because it’s not in my nature to speak badly of people. Really, I mean how many times in the last 5 years, in all the radio and interviews I've done, have I said anything really bad about anybody? I think the most disappointing thing to me is when someone like Triple H treats me almost like one of the boys, treats me like a brother, shows me so much respect, and then somebody who’s further down or as big and at the same level as Triple H treats me badly. I got treated very badly, I'm not going to say he was an asshole, but I was treated badly by Booker T towards the end. I think there’s a lot of reasons. There was this perception when I was on the road, especially towards the end, that I was so unhappy, that I would rather spend more time with females on the road than do my job. Spend time with females in different cities we were going to. At least that was the word I heard. Booker was one of those people who'd talk about that.

One night an egg was thrown at him in Germany, from the 400 section WAY up top, and he cut a promo on me during the show. I think it was very unprofessional. It almost hit Sharmell, but still for him to cut a promo on me, and again after the show, he apologized a little, but things had changed. I think one of the reasons also was that I was Batista’s guy, I had so much respect for Batista, and I had Batista’s back, and he had so much animosity towards Dave Batista. So he treated me very badly, and he went to Mark Calloway, the Undertaker, and he talked crap about me. So Undertaker also decided that I wasn't "doing my job". Even Michelle McCool said something ugly to me one day as we came into the arena in Italy. So yeah, I knew it wasn't just Booker, it was Booker getting on Mark and then Mark forming an opinion. Telling me that this is a business, and I'm not doing my job. What? I did it for 8 years and now all of a sudden I’m not doing it? C'mon, Mark. Give me a break.

I also think John Cena should've been a little nicer to his co-workers, and the guys who worked with him and for him, than he was. You know what was one of the things I never understood about some people? WHY they would be nicer to their fans and their pets, than they would to their co-workers. I never understood that. Cena did it, he was nicer to his fans than he was to his co-workers, well not the boys, but everybody else. Lita was nicer to her dog, and her fans than she was to me. I didn't have a problem with Lita. But some of these people, I just don't get it. But I wouldn't call them assholes. There’s other guys too, a couple of bullies, and I never could stand bullies. There were a couple of them that were on the roster back then, too. They know who they are, I don't even have to say. The bullies know who the bullies are.

With Sean Waltman AKA X-Pac

You have said in the past that the stain of The Chris Benoit tragedy hampered your attempts to find work in acting after leaving WWE. Are you still feeling the effects of that to this day?

I’m not sure if I'm feeling the effects right now. I surely, absolutely felt the effects for at least a couple of years. You gotta realize that I left WWE in February or March of 2007. 3 months later, Chris Benoit goes home and kills his family. Very sad. Very, very sad. I cried so much when I heard that. It was so painful, I really had great admiration for Chris up to that point, and he was one of my WWE brothers.

I can remember all the conversations between me, him, Eddie and Chavo. Then Chavo Classic. And you know, it was really rough. About that time, I decided to look for work. I took some time off after WWE and now it’s time to get back to work. I remember going into Jules Coles’ office in NYC and they're looking at my resume. And somebody says to me "Oh! You’re head of security for those wrestlers! Those fake wrestlers!" and I was all "Well you know, it’s a sports entertainment company." And they go "Oh, those are the guys who take all the steroids, right?" and I said "Well, you know, that’s not everybody. It’s just one of those things…" and they'd say "Oh, and this is the company where that guy went home and killed his family one weekend." And I went Oh my God, this is what I'm up against?! I was up against such bad press. I was up against such a bias, such negativity toward WWE. Like, OK it’s fake wrestling, does that also mean you were a fake security guy? I mean I didn't know what to think after a while.

But timing was HORRIBLE. To think that all of a sudden I can't get hired by anybody, and to think that it didn't affect my work would be very naïve of me, and very wrong thinking. It was devastating, it really was. Does it affect me now? No, we're past that. It’s 5 years later. God, can you believe it’s 5 years already? That’s unbelievable, isn't it? It doesn't affect me now, but it absolutely positively affected me then, I'm sure of it.

You are now working on a book, can you tell us a little bit about it?

Yes! I just got goosebumps. My beautiful daughter… Sometimes when you're on the road, things happen. I met a young beautiful girl one day, I was actually travelling with Jonathan Coachman (Former WWE announcer, The Coach), and our waitress was this beautiful young girl from Detroit. About 3 or 4 months later, we had a one-night stand. And then 9 months later, we had a beautiful daughter. The problem is, if there is a problem, the problem is I am 47 years older than my daughter is. I'm 54, and she’s 7. And she may not get to know me. I don't know what God’s plan is for me. I don't know if I'm going to live to be 80, 90, or 55. So I want my daughter to know everything. My dad died about 10 years ago, and even though I was his only son, I didn't know everything about my dad, and I find myself wondering, and I ask my mom, my 86 year old mom, I ask her questions all the time about my dad. And I wanna know more.

So I wrote a book, it’s called “A Letter to Cecily: The Memoirs of a Nobody”, my daughter’s name is Cecily. It is about my life. I've led a very colorful life. I've been on Broadway, I've been in movies, I've been a personal trainer to the stars, I've been a security expert to the stars, I've worked with major corporations. I’m a recovering alcoholic and I just celebrated 25 years of recovery, and I do that on a daily basis. I grew up with 7 women, 6 sisters and my mother, my dad was gone all the time, so I've had this very, very colorful life and I want my daughter to know about it.

So I decided to write her a 400 page letter and the book will be done by the end of the year. I made that commitment to myself, and I'm way past three quarters done, but I've been working on it for 2 days and I wrote 10 pages today, which is terrific. If you've done any writing, you’ll know much 10 pages is, it’s a LOT of writing. But I’m very, very proud of it. I say in the book that she'll be so proud of me. She'll know so many good things about me. But I'm also gonna tell her a lot of bad things. I want her to know everything. So that she'll have no questions, like I have about my dad. There will be no questions about who Jimmy Noonan was.

Do you have a release date set for the book?

I think first thing I’m gonna do is get it done, which probably will be in the next 30-40 days. After that, it’s a game. I don't have a publisher yet, I don't have anything. I do know that it’s terrific stuff, and that a lot of people are interested in it. But there is no real release date. When you get done with a book, you get it out anywhere between 6-9 months. I might self publish it. There’s a lot of money in self publishing these days. You know, a lot of the book companies that used to be around aren't around anymore. So I might self publish it.

What was the overall experience of working for WWE, and if you could, would you do it again?

You know, of course I would do it again. I would probably never have gone to all those little cities that we went to. I did a show in all 50 states. North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska, Hawaii, Idaho, Maine, and EVERY medium sized city in Texas, and all the countries I went to. All the experiences I had, all the women I banged (HAHAHA!!). Of course I would do it again. In a minute!

But I will tell you, I don’t know if you know this, Jeremy, but I have a very famous writer sister, and her name is Peggy Noonan. Peggy used to write Ronald Reagan and George Bush’s speeches, and she works with Romney now, and she’s a very well-respected conservative republican pundit. Peggy said to me one day "What are you doin’?" I said "Well, I'm about to go on the road with WWF" and she said "Well, what’s that?" and I said "You know the wrestlers you see on TV?" and she goes "Why are you gonna do that?" and so I said "Well because the money’s real good, I'll be solvent for the first time in many years, and my first show is in Texas. And next week I'll be going to Japan, and then I'll be going to Australia in 3 or 4 months." And she goes "But Jimmy, you're an actor. Look at it; You just did Broadway, you just did a major TV show and Super Troopers, everything you touch turns to gold, every show or movie you’re in gets awards, so what are you doing?" and I said "Well I don't know! It just sounds like the right thing to do." And she goes "Well I disagree." So I look at that sometimes and I think Oh my god, maybe I made a mistake. But I would do it again. I had some great experiences, and it’s not a negative, it's a positive. I have to rate it a positive experience, and of course I'd do it again. I'd do it again in a minute. Although, I wouldn't do it again now. Let’s make that clear, I would never go back!

The Raw Review 8/27/2012

WWE Monday Night Raw 8/27/2012
The Bradley Center Milwaukee, WI

Jerry Lawler calls out CM Punk

This segment did a lot to help build the story of "The bitter champion" that we've been witnessing over the last month. Much like Bret Hart in 1997, Punk feels he has been disrespected, and he will stop at nothing to FORCE his peers to acknowledge his greatness.

Punk talking to Jerry Lawler like he was nothing but a jobber showed how big of a chip he has on his shoulder. Good stuff that had reason behind it.

Ryback vs Jack Swagger

Typical squash. Ryback needs to slow down a bit in the ring. At one point he almost dropped Swagger right on top of his head. I know I wouldn't want to be in the ring with the big pink-eyed klutz.

Finish: A Fisherman's Buster finishes off 'The All American American'.

Winner: Ryback

Non-title match: Layla© vs Natalya

I dig Layla. She has improved a ton in the ring, and pulled out some really cool moves in this match. My only complaint about the match was having to look at Vicky Guerrero standing on the ring steps the entire time.  That is a sure fire way to kill a boner.

Finish: Layla kicks Natalya in the back of the head to get the win.

Winner: Layla

Vicky Guerrero demands to replace AJ Lee as the Raw GM

My ears were bleeding by the time AJ skipped her crazy ass down to the ring. And it felt good to see her slap the shit out of Guerrero.  That being said, shouldn't AJ be fired for attacking a talent under contract to Raw?

Anger Management with Daniel Bryan: Part 1

I giggled my way through this entire segment. Daniel Bryan is great in this role, but I also hope he will one day dial back the comedy and become a serious competitor again. Until then, I'm enjoying his character.

Jerry Lawler makes his decision

I think we all knew last week, and even more so from the top of the show, That we were going to get a match between the two tonight, Also it's kind of obvious what will go down later tonight, and it will involve a certain invisible broccoli colored grappler.

John Cena vs The Miz

It was really weird seeing Cena come out to the ring, not only for an undercard match, but one that had zero hype.

The match itself was good, and that's all I have to say about it.

Finish: Attitude Adjustment on The Miz to earn Cena the victory.

Winner: John Cena

Anger Management with Daniel Bryan...and Kane: Part 2

I knew in the first skit when the therapist mentioned that they were waiting on one more person, that it would be Kane. Predictable, but I'll wait and see how this plays out tonight before I judge it as a whole.

Heath Slater vs Santino

At this point I poured myself a stiff drink. What the fuck is going on with Santino's Cobra puppet and Aksana? I actually feel bad for Heath Slater for being forced to be apart of this shit. It's bad enough that these shows are 3 fucking hours, but when I also have to sit through insufferable crap like that, I am forced to booze it up.

Hello my name is Jeremy, and WWE turned me into an alcoholic.

Finish: The Cobra sees Aksana walking out onto the stage and becomes transfixed. Slater tries to take advantage, but The Cobra manages to strike anyway.

Winner: Santino

Brodus Clay & Sin Cara vs Damien Sandow & Cody Rhodes

I've usually like it when WWE takes two feuds and puts them together for one night only. And being that I enjoy both of these programs you would think that I would love this, right? Not the case. This match was rushed and did nothing to further either storyline. Cant win 'em all.

Finish: Cody takes a headbutt and a big splash. FATALITY!!

Winners: Brodus Clay & Sin Cara

Anger Management with Daniel Bryan and Kane: Part 3

This was the best thing I have ever seen...EVER!!!

Kane going through his entire history the way he did had me literally laughing out loud. Awesome stuff. WWE I almost forgive you for the Cobra bullshit from earlier...almost.

Daniel Bryan vs R-Truth

As a match this was nothing to remember. But as a continuation of the Anger Management storyline, it was awesome. Bryan coming out and acting as if he had some kind of breakthrough was great. By the time he finally snapped and went into the "No No No" routine, I was grinning from ear to ear. Bryan's act is so over with the crowd that I can't help but feel proud of the guy. Nobody ever thought that WWE would give him a real shot, but they were wrong. He has become an invaluable member of the roster, and is truly the future of the company in many ways.

Finish: Bryan was too busy verbally dueling with the fans to notice that he was being counted out.

Winner: R-Truth

Triple H's major announcement

I had a hard time paying attention to this, and soaking it all in. I know that this wont be the last time we see Hunter on TV, and I know that Summerslam wasn't the last time we were going to see him compete. I hate retirement storylines for that very reason. So why should I care?

Plus he never actually said that he was retiring. I give it until Survivor Series before we see 'The Game' back in the ring, probably against Brock Lesnar.

Dolph Ziggler & Alberto Del Rio vs Sheamus & Randy Orton

I loved how Ziggler taunted Chris Jericho before the match. I still say they're setting up a return storyline for when Fozzy's tour ends. Sure, It would have been better if Dolph had taken out Y2J and put him on the shelf, but either way the story is building.

The match was pretty much what you would expect. Hard hitting, and plenty of bumps from Ziggler.

Finish: Ricardo tosses in the MITB briefcase to Ziggler. Orton is able to stop him from using it, which leads to a huge Brogue Kick to the face of The Show Off.

Winners: Sheamus & Randy Orton

Zack Ryder vs David Otunga

Kane joins the commentary booth.

Zack did a great job in this match, and he would have to with a shitty opponent like David Otunga.

Finish: Zack Ryder uses the Rough Ryder on Otunga to pick up the win. I bet that's not the only time that's happened to Otunga.

Winner: Zack Ryder

Post Match: Kane enters the ring and grabs Ryder by the throat. He then decides against choke slamming him, and instead takes out Otunga.

At least Ryder didn't get buried yet again. That's progress, right?

AJ names John Cena as Punk's opponent for the PPV

Well Duh!!! Didn't see that one coming.

Non-Title Cage Match: CM Punk© vs Jerry Lawler

The Raw Active voting decided that tonight's main event will be inside of a Steel Cage.

I think that this will be Lawler's first Cage Match in WWE. So that's cool, but The King will most likely die tonight.

This was a pretty damn good match for what it was. Punk was a total prick, and Lawler played the sympathetic babyface perfectly. And there was a bit of blood!!

Finish: Punk made Lawler tap out to The Anaconda Vice to score the win.

Winner: CM Punk

Post Match: Punk chains the door shut and continues beating on Lawler until John Cena runs in for the save and has the cage raised. Punk takes off as Cena tends to Jerry Lawler to end the show.

The Raw Review 8/20/2012

I'm doing things a little differently for this weeks review. Instead of going over the entire show, I counted down what I thought were the top five segments. I might just continue to use this format, so let me know what you think. After all I write it for you guys.

5. Brodus Clay vs Damien Sandow

I am really getting into Damien Sandow's character. The guy is a not only a pretty good wrestler, but he is a unique personality in a sea of cookie cutter grapplers.

On the flip side is Brodus Clay. I loved Clay when he first debuted The Funkasaurus character. However, WWE just never did anything with him. Before his feud with Sandow began, I had pretty much written the guy off.

The match was short, but succeeded in furthering the storyline. Sandow pulls the tights to pick up a cheap win. Clay then attacks after the match and gets a little revenge by hitting the big splash on Sandow.

I say continue this for a few more weeks, and blow it off at Night of Champions.

4. Brock the Conqueror

After losing to Cena at Extreme Rules, Brock Lesnar was made to look like an afterthought. WWE portrayed him as a mere stepping stone to help Cena save face after losing to The Rock at Wrestlemania. And so I guess they felt they had to have Triple H do the same for Lesnar, which is good. Brock has his heat back, but this on and off setup they have with Lesnar is ridiculous. It's hard to get behind someone who might not be there for months on end.

This entire segment was to show the world that Brock Lesnar laid waste to 'The King of Kings', and in doing so he redeemed himself in the eyes of the world. It's too bad that later in the show Lesnar Touted that he is leaving the WWE. I assume that maybe he will go away until Survivor Series, where he will have a rematch with Triple H.

And we all know how that one will end...

3. Shawn Michaels pours his heart out

No one knows better than Shawn Michaels what it's like to have your career end at the hands of another wrestler. It's happened to him twice, one time for real, the other through a storyline.

While we all know that Triple H isn't going to retire yet, it's a safe bet that his time in the ring in winding down. The match at Wrestlemania 28 against The Undertaker, really was ''The End of an Era''. While both men hadn't wrestled full time since 2009, the Hell in a Cell match was a way of telling the world that their individual runs were coming to an end.

I believe that Shawn's words tonight were not only aimed at Hunter, but also The Undertaker and anyone who has ever stepped into the ring.

2. Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho

Earlier in the night, AJ set up this match, with the rules being that if Ziggler lost then he loses the Money in the Bank contract. But if Jericho loses, he is done with WWE.

This wasn't nearly as good as their match at Summerslam. In fact, it was pretty sloppy at times. I never thought that I would say that about a match involving either guy. But it was still better than most of the stuff on this episode.

The ending was never really in doubt. It's no secret that Jericho is embarking on a tour with his band Fozzy, and would be taking another hiatus from wrestling. So he puts over Ziggler on the way out. The way it's supposed to be done.

I had two problems with this. One, they are already in the middle of a retirement storyline with Triple H. So the way they went about this was overkill. And secondly, After the match while Ziggler was showing off like only he can do, Y2J grabs the MITB briefcase and nails Dolph with it. Afterwards he lays him out with The Codebreaker, and walks up the ramp for possibly the last time.

If I had booked this segment, There would have been no retirement stipulation. I would have just had Ziggler DESTROY Jericho after the match. That way Jericho could leave, and he would have a built in storyline for his return. Makes sense, huh? Maybe that's the problem.

1. CM Punk picks his opponent for Night of Champions

We all know by now that Punk choose John Cena to be the number 1 contender for his WWE Title. But that's not why I put this in the number one spot. It got the top spot because of the excellent back and forth between the two men, and because it furthered Punk's heel turn.

Punk has gone from proclaiming himself to be 'The Best in the World', to demanding that everyone else tells HIM how great he is. It reminds me how he used his straightedge lifestyle in the past. When he was a face, it was a way to show that he was a role model. But once he turned heel, he used as a way to show the world how he is better than them because of it. That's what I love about Punk. He's really never changed. He has ALWAYS been CM Punk.

Cena made some good points, but started to lose me when he said that "Punk has been Champion for 274 days, but all anyone remembers is Punk blowing Vince a kiss and leaving town". That's a crock of shit. I don't know about anyone else, but I remember him for being the guy who has gone out to the ring for the last nine months and stolen the show night in and night out. And not only that, he has done more to return some form of prestige to the WWE Title than anyone in the last decade. Prestige that was lost in large part during Cena's time with the belt.

After Cena leaves, Punk takes out his frustration by kicking Jerry Lawler in the back of the head to end the show.

So Punk continues his turn, and in doing so we have something to look forward to in the weeks to come. I'm certainly intrigued.

Bealer’s Blatherings – The Summerslam Review

You all have the unique pleasure of reading my first ever review! Decided to wait for a larger PPV to make my debut, but unfortunately Summerslam did not live up to the hype. At least in my eyes. I know some will disagree, and I invite you to sound off in the comments below!

PRESHOW: SANTINO MARELLA VS ANTONIO CESARO: UNITED STATES TITLE

I start off my first review with an epic fail. I missed the preshow, as I always seem to do, and can’t judge the match on its merits. I can however, judge it on its booking. I’m a lot more forgiving of Santino that others seem to be, I have to admit. I view him as a modern day Dusty Rhodes, in the sense that he’s doing everything he’s got with the gimmick he’s been given. That being said, I also lean towards the camp that doesn’t want to see a comedy gimmicked character holding what should be a belt that signifies a stepping stone towards one of the world titles. I mean, c’mon. Can you see Santino as a World Champ? Not without a drastic repackaging of his character and a long healthy push to cement him as actually being a viable contender. I haven’t seen much of Cesaro, but I like his gimmick and I think it gives him a lot to work with. I’ll definitely be paying more attention, and I think putting the title on him was the right move, even if it was punishment for Santino for being vocally upset about the state of the ‘E backstage.

CHRIS JERICHO VS DOLPH ZIGGLER

One of the only matches I really enjoyed of the entire night. These two never fail to deliver, and putting them in a match together was definitely a “No duh” for the WWE brass. Jericho seems to be on his way out for another extended break last night, which makes the finish all the more confusing. Jericho has been doing the job for guys who don’t need it since he returned at the beginning of this year. So why have a guy you should be building up, who holds an MITB briefcase, do the job ESPECIALLY via submission? If Jericho was sticking around this wouldn’t have been so bad, but it’s likely we won’t be seeing him again for a while, so his win is essentially for naught. Dolph could have used the rub and gone onto another high profile feud, and instead he just lost to the guy who loses to everyone without a chance for redemption. Hopefully Jericho has one more appearance on Raw tonight and this can be remedied.

MATCH RATING: 7 out of 10 Bealer Boners

DANIEL BRYAN VS KANE

I guess this actually makes three matches on the card I enjoyed, not two, but I still have mixed feelings on this one. D Bry has been ON FIRE lately, regardless of his irrelevant win/loss record as of late. No one has manipulated the crowd quite like Bryan has recently, with the exception of Jericho when he first returned and trolled the hell out of everyone. Whether it’s YES YES YES or NO NO NO, EVERYONE in the arena is on their feet and yelling. When his music hits, on his way to the ring, while he’s caving in someone’s chest with those brutal kicks, to the end of the match, win, lose, or draw, the crowd is captivated the entire time. I’m just waiting for him to turn the “NO”s into “MAYBE”s. Hey, a girl can dream. And while I wouldn’t classify Kane anywhere near the top of my favorites list, I gotta give the guy his due. He gets crapped on as “Just another big guy”, but I feel that he doesn’t get nearly enough credit. He’s always been above average in the ring, especially considering his size. I think he’s a great fit for Bryan, and I’d like to see them take it further. Their match was nothing special, but it was solid. Minus the finish. It would have made more sense for Bryan to lose the match and subsequently his shit, keeping in theme with his “anger management” issues and the whole “NO!” thing, but that’s not what even bothers me. After what seemed like the beginning of a great ending sequence, each guy countering the other, us fans just SALIVATING seeing who it would be to finally nail a clean finisher or submission….aaaaaaaaaand we get a roll up. WTF? That’s more akin to a finish for a Raw match, not a PPV people paid to see. I already have enough issues with roll up finishes, but for it to happen on a PPV as a sour ending to a great match is quite disappointing. I guess that leaves the feud open for more, but still. And that was only the beginning of the wacky finishes we’d see for the rest of the night.

MATCH RATING: 6 out of 10 Bealer Boners. Minus one boner for shitty finish.

REY MYSTERIO VS THE MIZ FOR THE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP

Not a bad match by any means, but kind of a snoozer. I’m not the biggest Mysterio fan, for a multitude of reasons, but mostly because he’s essentially Latino John Cena. The odds are always stacked against him and his matches generally consist of him getting his ass kicked until the end when he SOMEHOW pulls it off. I like the Miz, but he’s kind of grown stale over the last year and seems to have lost his motivation and just kind of dials it in nowadays. We all saw the winner of this one a mile away. With belt reigns now being a lot longer than they’ve been in recent years, and Rey just coming back from suspension/injury, there was no way Miz was dropping that belt after having just won it.

MATCH RATING: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. PLUS one for Mysterio coming out dressed as Batrat.

Backstage Punk repeats the same complaints he’s been making for weeks, irritating GMAJ (pronounced GEEMAHJ.) into angrily staring into a wall as if she just caught Berg sniffing her panties again. Waste of airtime, and nothing new. Bitches be crazy.

ALBERTO DEL RIO VS SHEAMUS FOR THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP

Another uneventful match giving us the same thing we’ve been seeing for months. My opinion of ADR drops by the day, as the guy never does anything memorable. Sheamus is a pretty well rounded Superstar and champion, but really brings nothing special to the table. A solid, if forgettable, match with yet another WTF finish seeing Del Rio get his foot on the ropes but still getting counted down for the three. It doesn’t bother me at all that Sheamus knocked his foot off despite being a babyface, but that we get another finish that makes little sense. This is Summerslam. It’s supposed to be one of the big four PPVs of the year. I understand that you have to keep the audience invested by keeping feuds going, but at one of your marquee events of the year you should at least attempt to provide the fans with some closure in at least a few matches. You can only dangle that carrot in our faces for so long before we don’t care anymore *cough*Cenaheelturnthatwillneverhappen*cough*.

MATCH RATING:  5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. (To be clear, 5 out of 10 is not a “Failing” grade as it would be in school. By my standard, 5 is the median and thus the average.)

TROUBLE IN LITTLE JIMMY’S PARADISE VS PRIMETIME PLAYERS

Another snoozer that would have been better fit for the curtain jerker on Raw than the lead in for a WWE championship match. Titus O Neill actually kind of impressed me during this match, despite being greener than goose shit. Darren “NegaCena” Young can go back to developmental and wipe down the mats for all I care though. After what seemed like a good build up to get the titles off of two random midcarders thrown together, we watch the rookies do the job. I wonder if their at one time seemingly inevitable tag title reign is in jeopardy over the AW situation. I hope not, as I like to see new guys given a chance to grow. It’s all about opportunity, hopefully these guys didn’t just lose theirs.

MATCH RATING: 4 out of 10 Bealer Boners

JOHN CENA VS BIG SHOW VS CM PUNK FOR THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP

Ah, now here we go! The best match on the card, and the only one that probably kept paying customers from feeling completely shafted. Not only was the one of the only three good matches of the night, it really was the only one that lived up to the standard of what a PPV match should be. AND PUNK DIDN’T EVEN CARRY THE WHOLE MATCH! In fact, in my eyes, the success of this match lies almost completely on the Big Show. Sure, the entire match was booked around him dominating and getting teamed up on (and eventually being to both tap and get pinned) but he NAILED it. This is how Show should be all the time. DOMINANT. It would help if he actually got a win every now and then, but that’s beside the point. We got a great double submission spot with Cena slapping on the STF after Punk had already locked on the MOTHERFUCKING KOJI CLUTCH (I mark for that move every time) for the second time in the match! Two Kojis in one match? TAKE MY MONEY WWE! Show taps, and confusion ensues over who got the win. AJ skips her cute little ass down to the ring and does the right thing by restarting the match, saving us yet another BS finish, or worse. I don’t know about you guys, but after seeing Cena attempt the AA on Show three times over the last few weeks, I saw the finish of him finally nailing it but Punk stealing the win from a mile away. Which is fine. It fits the story that’s been told, and just because it’s predictable doesn’t automatically make it bad. I can predict that I’m going to blow a load into Staples’ mouth, doesn’t make it any less satisfying.

MATCH RATING: 8.5 Bealer Boners

HHH VS BROCK LESNAR

Ugh. I had high hopes for this one, and it really didn’t live up. Like so many of HHH’s matches over the last couple years, this was a slow plodding affair. Hunter seems to be in need of more and more rest time during his matches as he ages, and it’s getting more noticeable. Brock wasn’t nearly as aggressive as he was in his match against Cena during Extreme Rules a few months back, which perhaps lends some credibility to the rumors that Brock and Cena don’t get along backstage. At first I thought we might get a repeat of that match, with Brock dominating almost the entire match only to job out at the end, and instead we got a finish reminiscent of Taker/HHH at WM 27. H nails the Pedigree, only to get pulled into a submission as he goes to pick up the scraps. Ho hum, seen it before. The one highlight of the match was that they played into Brock’s real life intestinal issues with HHH targeting his midsection in the second half of the match. I really enjoyed the “chink in the armor” aspect after Brock was launched into the corner of the announcer’s table. The match was horrible or unwatchable, but it in no way lived up to the months of (poorly executed) hype. Definitely not deserving of the main event slot.

Match Rating: 6 out of 10 Bealer Boners.

Overall, none of the matches themselves were completely horrendous. But looking at the PPV as a whole it was a complete clusterfuck of wonky booking decisions and poorly conceptualized finishes. Here’s to hoping Survivor Series nails the quality level of what we should expect from one of WWE’s big four PPVs. What makes this extra disappointing is that WWE has been on a pretty good roll with their PPVs for the majority of this year. Can you say C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!?

Overall PPV Rating: 5 out of 10 Bealer Boners. Only rocking the half chub on this one folks.

The Raw Review 8/13/2012

WWE Monday Night RAW 8/13/2012
The American Airlines Arena Dallas, TX


Non-Title Match: CM Punk© vs The Big Show

We start right out of the gate with a non-title match between Punk and Big Show, and it barely got underway before it was over.

Finish: Daniel Bryan comes out acting like the crazy bastard he is. He then gets in the ring and applies The No Lock on Punk causing a DQ. The Big Show then joins in on the attack until John Cena runs down and makes the save.

Winner: CM Punk

Post Match: AJ skips down to the ring and makes a huge tag team main event pitting John Cena and CM Punk against The Big Show and Daniel Bryan.

Ryback vs JTG

I guess bitching and moaning works, as JTG gets a match on Raw. They even mention his negative remarks about the company on Twitter. I'm guessing the talent meeting went well, or they're waiting until after Linda McMahon's campaign to fire him and anyone else who has voiced their opinions as of late.

But even getting squashed by Ryback is progress. Right?

Finish: Ryback got fed.

Winner: Ryback

HBK backstage with Roddy Piper

Piper acts like a fool as Shawn Michaels  receives a phone call. Apparently Triple H is having travel issues and might not make it to the show.

Are they finally going to go ahead with having Lesnar destroy HBK? This will get heat back on the Lesnar/Triple H feud, and more importantly give Lesnar back his credibility as a monster. I mean lets face it, WWE has done nothing but devalue Brock since he returned earlier this year. So it is in their best interest to build the guy back up before the Pay Per View. And hopefully they wont job him out to Hunter this Sunday, even though I think we all know that's exactly what will happen.

Heath Slater vs R-Truth

Short and pointless match. And that's all I have to say about it.

Finish: Clothesline to Slater, followed by a Flatliner and Truth covers for the win.

Winner: R-Truth

Post Match: The Primetime Players come out and beat down Truth.

Without AW, this team will go nowhere. They were given a mouthpiece for a reason. Neither guy is good on the mic, and I don't see them getting over now that AW has been fired by WWE. I predict Trouble in Little Jimmy's Paradise will retain the Titles on Sunday.

Sin Cara vs Tensai

Sin Cara was pretty impressive in this match. Maybe that's because it was so damn short that he didn't have the opportunity to botch any moves.

Tensai continues his losing streak, and here we all thought that when he was losing to Tyson Kidd, it was because Kidd was getting a push. And now it's pretty obvious that it was just the beginning of a losing streak storyline for Tensai, which is pretty bogus.

Finish: Sin Cara hits a Tornado DDT to pick up the win.

Winner: Sin Cara

Post Match: Tensai beats up his follower yet again. Are we supposed to be caring about this? If so, you fail WWE.

The Piper's Pit with Chris Jericho

The fans got to vote on Piper's guest tonight in what was clearly a setup. I mean nobody was going to vote for The Miz, and so that left both Chris Jericho and Dolph Ziggler, who are feuding. So it makes sense to have Jericho come out, and then get interrupted by Ziggler or vice versa. And that is exactly what happened.

Jericho wins the vote, and after Piper rambled on and on, Dolph Ziggler crashes the party. They go back and forth until out comes The Miz to further show that this was all laid out in advance. The Miz says that he's taking over The Pit before excusing both Jericho and Piper. Instead Jericho pops Miz in the mouth and cleans house of both him and Ziggler.

Besides how blatantly they proved the voting to be a farce, I liked this. It helped to move along the Jericho/Ziggler storyline, and I am more excited to see that match then I am Hunter vs Lesnar. But WWE only has themselves to blame for that.

Dolph Ziggler vs Chris Jericho vs The Miz 

When we come back from break, we find out that AJ has made an impromptu Triple Threat match between the three.

This one was pretty good, and it went a long way to show how much Raw has improved in recent months. In the past we were only given one big match a week. Tonight we opened with CM Punk vs The Big Show, and now we are given a Triple Threat between three talented stars. Plus we still have the big tag team main event to come. It's obvious that the focus is now on better in-ring action, and I have no complaints about that.

Finish: Jericho hooks Miz in The Walls of Jericho, but Vicky distracts the referee. Ziggler comes in an nails The Zig Zag on Y2J to pick up the  big win going into Summerslam.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Layla & Kaitlyn vs Beth Phoenix & Eve

This was actually pretty competitive for a Diva's match, and Kaitlyn was impressive.

Finish: Eve gets knocked off of the ring apron, followed be a quick roll up on Phoenix by Kaitlyn to get the win for her team.

Winners: Layla & Kaitlyn

CM Punk & John Cena vs The Big Show & Daniel Bryan

Punk's slow build to becoming a heel continues. Neither team worked really well together in this match, but surprisingly it was the team of Bryan and Big Show that was the most dysfunctional.

Finish: Punk mockingly began going through Cena's short list of moves. But when he went for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, Cena tagged himself in. Punk then decided to take his Title and walk away from the match. Cena was still able to pick up the win for his team.

Winners: CM Punk & John Cena

Post Match: Big Show goes to take out Cena, but Punk makes the save and nails Show in the head with The WWE Title. Punk then offers his hand to Cena who refuses, proving he is a giant piece of shit. Punk then walks off as Cena stares at Punk with a combination of shock and disgust.

Backstage: Josh Mathews catches up with CM Punk who says on Sunday he will teach John Cena and everyone else a lesson in respect.

Damien Sandow vs Christian

Sandow continues to impress me. The guy is good at what he does, and I honestly look forward to seeing him progress.

Finish: Brodus Clay comes out to distract Sandow but it doesn't work, and he is able to get the win over Captain Charisma

Winner: Damien Sandow

Brock Lesnar finds Shawn Michaels backstage. HBK hightails it.

If that's all that goes down between the two, I'll be pissed. It's starting to sound like I'm a HBK hater, huh? I assure you that is not the case. I just firmly believe this feud badly needs to pick up some heat. And what is the point of having Shawn on TV if he isn't going to take a beating from Brock?

The Brock Lesnar/Triple H contract signing

This will go down as the most underwhelming Contract signing in WWE history. They could have done so many things better here. First Lesnar calls out Shawn Michaels who just kind of stands around looking like he could piss himself at any second. Then Triple H's music hits, they both sign the contracts, and Lesnar leaves. THAT'S IT!!! What was the purpose in even doing an in-ring signing? I guess they felt they had to since they've done such a piss poor job of building this into a must see feud.

Afterward  Triple H and Shawn talk about the match backstage. Shawn then reiterates that he will be in Hunter's corner at Summerslam before walking off into the sunset. #Wasted Opportunity

And just when I say that...

IT FINALLY HAPPENS!!

Big Show is being interviewed in the back when screeching tires and a car horn loudly echo through the hallway. When the camera gets to the parking lot Paul Heyman has Shawn Michaels' car blocked. Shawn yells at Heyman to move his car, when out of nowhere Brock Lesnar strikes! He pulls Shawn out of his car, bumping the cameraman in the process and causing the picture to go out. We then hear a scuffle as the show goes to a break.

When we come back the roster is surveying the scene, but Shawn Michaels is gone. And so are Lesnar and Heyman. They show Shawn's car, and the windshield is destroyed. This reminded me of when Shawn was attacked by The Corporation in 1998. During that beating Shawn's face was driven through the windshield, and there was blood everywhere. I guess this was the PG answer to that segment.

Flashback to 1998:

Triple H shows up and demands answers.

Cut back into the arena as Brock carries HBK's beaten body to the ring. He tosses him in like a dead deer. Michaels gets to his feet only to be F-5'd by Lesnar. Brock then locks on the Kimura.

Triple H then comes down. Heyman warns Hunter that if he takes one more step, Brock will break HBK's arm. He stops, but Lesnar 'breaks' his arm anyway. Triple H chases Lesnar off as the EMT's rush to Shawn's aid. The show goes off the air with Lesnar looking at his handiwork approvingly.

This was good stuff. We will have to wait and see if it helps bring in PPV buys, but I think they could drag this out another month if they wanted. I wouldn't have said that last week, so the heat is there. Lets see where they go this Sunday. If Triple H beats him clean, this all would have been for nothing.