By Bret Bealer
Heisenbealer here, taking over for our fearless leader on the Raw Review this week. Why a fast forward review? Because I watch this crap on Youtube and skip the, well, crap! Not to mention three hours (okay fine, two and a quarter hours on Youtube thanks to the removal of brain cell killing TV ads) should probably be enough to kill a normal man. I don’t know how you guys do it.
So we open with a recap of what happened before the show went on the air. Punk and King punking (because I’m the Pun King) on each other in the back, throwing punches and each other back and forth and the refs trying to keep them apart. Punk even had the audacity to throw out the classic insult of “Stupid shirt!”. Truly heelish stuff here folks.
After the recap Shaymoose makes his way out to the ring pretty much just long enough to say “Hi” to the “Shicargo” crowd and mention Alberto Del Rio before Mr. Cookie Monster Punk interrupts the World Heavyweight Champ on the stage. The WWE Champ gets a warm welcome from his hometown. He claims that Lawler attacked him first, and from behind. Which I guess is the whole reason they put it on before the show started, so Punk could make that claim without getting called out on it.
He continues on with the same stuff we’ve already heard and catch ups for anyone who only watches the show once a month. When he gets the part about disrespect, Sheamus jumps in to point out that Punk is disrespecting him as WH Champion. He makes a good point. Unfortunately, instead of WWE taking the opportunity to show both titles are equal, they have Punk bury the WHC, and Smackdown by extension, as second best. Look, we all know it’s true and we’ve known it for years. But Sheamus doesn’t even take a stab at rebutting that statement. No wonder Smackdown is shedding ratings like Staples sheds ass hair. GM Tits McGee comes out to make a Champion Vs Champion match between Punk and Sheamus for later in the night.
FASTFORWARD through the Wicked Witch Of The WWE's yammering her “EXCUSE ME”s to a rematch from Smackdown in Dolph “I think I just heard Staples blow a load” Ziggler and Randy “Berg’s turn” Orton. I don’t watch Smackdown, but this was the best match I’ve seen out of Orton since his 60 day high. Dolph sold throughout the match like a beast, as usual. I was wondering if they were going to have him lose AGAIN after just losing to Orton on Smackdown, but I was pleasantly surprised to see him get the win, even if it was by grabbing the tights.
I’m just starting to wonder when, if ever, Dolph is going to look dominant. I know many guys have made a career out of squeaking out wins, but Ziggler deserves much more than that. At least he’s still pretty young, so he’s got plenty of time to blossom into the pretty pink flower he wants to be.
Miz makes his way down to the ring to work the commentary booth for the rest of the night, and completely drops a notch on my respect totem pole I keep in my closet to rank ever wrestler. His voice didn’t sound the same. He sound like a 12 year old version of himself, both in his choice of words and the actual sound of his voice. He wasn’t bad, but REALLY? REALLY? If Punk wasn’t going to wrestle they could have at least given that position to him. Lazy fuckin’ bum.
Then we get the first of some number more than one of D-Bry and Kane’s anger management program bits. It was good, not as great as the other ones. They drew anger collages. Bryan said “YES” and “NO” a few times, and Kane summoned fire in a trash can to burn his. Which makes me wonder why he doesn’t do that to his opponents. Anyway, typical stuff.
Our next FAST FORWARD was for a tag match seeing Rey and Sin Cara against Tensai and Cody Rhodes. I don’t care for three out of four guys in this match, hence the double speed through this one. I don’t think Cara botched, so there’s something. The best thing about this match was the idea in my head that Cody and Tensai could form a tag team and put on hilarious backstage skits of Rhodes giving Prince Albert dashing fashion advice. It’d be like a modern era Billy and Chuck, but without the homosensuality. And Sakamoto would make a great Rico. Back on topic, Sin Cara pins Rhodes for the win.
Another anger management class with DB and Kane. Doing trust falls this time. Woooo. Look, these are some of the better things on the show, but I feel like they’re milking it too fast. I’d rather people not get tired of Bryan, but hey, that’s just me. Kane and DB bond over not catching Harold during his trust fall. D’awwwww.
Aaaaaand if it wasn’t bad enough that WWE was showcasing Punk’s matches halfway through a two hour show, now they’re putting them a third of the way through a three hour show. Or so they’d have you believe. I knew something was amiss when Cunt Magnet Punk didn’t come down in his gear and instead was still in his jeans from the top of the show. He continues on the respect slant, and says his hometown crowd will respect that he’s not wrestling a match and is taking Labor Day off for himself.
GENIUS! I love the idea of Punk ACTUALLY not wrestling a match IN HIS HOMETOWN. They’re really stepping on the gas in the CM Punk Heelmobile. He gets a little more heelish each week, and the hometown hero snubbing the crowd is a great tactic. I’m sure Chicagoans disagree with me, but as far as story goes it’s great. I just hope they can continue to increase the heel incline next, and each week after.
Backstage AJ tries unsuccessfully tries to stop Punk from leaving, and gets in a burn on Striker by not knowing who he is. Gotta love Vince sticking it to his employees through other employees on national TV. AJ apparently makes the sage-like decision to send Job Swagger out to face Mayo Thunder. And my FAST FORWARD button is getting a lot of work tonight. After what I’m sure was a Match Of The Year shoe in, Sheamus slaps on the submission and Miz gets his best line of the night with “TEXAS CLOVERLEAF, SON!”. ADR rushes that guy from Metallica’s younger brother from another Irish mother and eats some White Noise for his trouble, setting up for the Brogue Kick which Ricardo straight Supermans himself in front of for his boss. Ricardo is definitely the best thing about Del Rio.
Divas match next, which is the one true FAST FORWARD of the night. Don’t even ask me who was in the match. I already sold my fucks for some blue meth so I have none left to give. Afterwards Swagger is seen leaving backstage, and when AJ tries to convince him to stay he tells her he’s taking some extended time off. Whoops, looks like I had one fuck left to give. Spend it well Mr. Swagger. AJ starts cracking under the pressure of everyone leaving, and it’s making me think she isn’t going to be GM for much longer. We’ll see.
Next FAST FORWARD is reserved for Jinder Derp Dinder and Ryback, who I’m still not even close to being sold on. I like that he’s energetic, but he comes off so goofy. His little evolved Heil Hitler arm motions, the bouncing and bobbing (so much bobbing), and every crowd that isn’t full of inbred Siamese brother-sister-cousins chanting “GOLDBERG” just make it so I can’t take him seriously. He’s just like every other big guy on a debut streak, but he got lucky with a good catchphrase that the crowd is into. It’s really his only saving grace. I’m still waiting for RVD to show up and take his ring gear back.
The official theme song for Night Of Champions is a song from that fat fuck from Summerslam, Fred Durst, Lil Wang, and another black guy. I think my dick just retreated so far into my body that it came out my ass. I literally fucked myself inside out. #WWEshootme
But Cole thinks it’s awesome and has been listening to it all day. I’m sold. Just put a sticker of Cole on that album with that ringing endorsement and I’ll buy twenty. Yeah, twenty. That should be enough to kill myself choking on.
We see Bryan and Kane for the fourth time tonight (told you, milking) and everyone knows they’re going to have to hug. First they refuse, then the chest bump which the ref in all his unquestionable power (seriously, what’s he going to do?) says isn’t good enough, then again, then Bryan hugs Kane. BUT KANE DOES NOT RECIPROCATE SAID HUG. He truly is a monster. Ref still says it ain’t good enough. So Kane hugs Bryan, BUT NOW BRYAN RETURNS THE FAVOR BY NOT RETURNING THE HUG. Years of stalling later, they finally both hug and shake hands. Oscar worthy stuff here folks.
Look, this was funny and all, but go back and watch it and realize how much time this ate up. This is what we get with three hours of Raw. Good stuff gets drawn out until it’s bad, bad stuff until it’s pureed shit, and the pureed shit LITERALLY (I’m using literally literally, and not sarcastically /sarcasm) causes tens of thousands of people to go all Chris Benoit on their selves and their loved ones. This all of course breaks down into a brawl and the feud continues.
Another FAST FORWARD moment, as Berg’s future husband and dominatrix Santino makes his way to the ring. Just by zipping through I can already tell I’m going to really like Cesaro once he faces someone other than the Italian Doink The Clown. Santino has more Cobra malfunctions and Cesaro picks up the 1 2 3.
Oh for Jesus Titty Fucking Christ’s sake, another FAST FORWARD match. I don’t give a flying pig’s shit for either Slater or Ryder. Sorry if that hit you right in the feels, bro, but I feel about the same for Ryder as I do for Ryback. A guy that got lucky with a few good catchphrases and was willing to take the Matt Hardy route and pander to fans online. Yawn. Someone wins, yippee! Did you really care?
Apparently AJ was naughty and needs a spanking. What? No? Fucking PG. Instead, she has to APOLOGIZE to Vickie for slapping her last week and not hit anyone anymore. So of course Vickie slaps her. Twice. Yeah, I’m putting my money on GMAJ not being GM for much longer. GMAJ crams four days of menstruation into 30 seconds and beats on the ring with the chair Vickie was arguing with. Poor chair.
For the main event we get Cena Nuff against Alberto in a Falls Count Anywhere match. I have a soft spot in my hardened heart for FCA matches. If done right, they’re awesome. This one was….okay. Don’t really care for ADR and Cena is, well, Cena. This match played out like your typical Cena match, with his getting his ass kicked (See: carried) almost the entire time. They eventually work their way backstage where Punk, who left early so by WWE law had to come back later to screw over his PPV opponent, ambushed Cena to give ADR the win.
Afterwords, Punk nails Cena with a GTS on a car instead of his knee. Punk then heads into the car to drive off, with none other than PAUL FUCKING HEYMAN! Have I said “YES YES YES” yet this review? No? Well. *Ahem* YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!!!! Punk’s storyline is really what’s kept me interested in WWE this last year or so, and I’ve always loved Heyman, so this is like a wet dream come true for me. Bald men do that to me. So where does this lead? A Punk/Brock alliance? Not? Come on over the Corner on Facebook, or sound off in the comments and let us know.
P.S. I wrote this on my bedroom floor next to an open tampon and just noticed. EW EW EW! NO NO NO!
P.P.S. It’s over when I say it’s over.
P.P.P.S. It’s over